| This Part of My Life is Called: Living Up to My Reputation |
[Feb. 25th, 2007|11:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Frontline - What You Want | ] |
i know i should really be doing my homework at this moment, but there's some weight i just wanted to unload from my chest. and this will be personal. so all my older siblings think i'm a bad kid, i don't listen and do whatever the hell it is i wanna do. i go out without saying anything and come back any time i wanna come back, and when my parents ask where i've been i don't say shit. i stopped doing housework. supposedly, they think i'm doing bad in school. and i just got a dog that they're all telling me to 'throw away'. and i'm so tired of their constant lectures, i've practically given up on arguing, and they've probably given up on 'talking it out' with me. so they lecture, i ignore and walk away. it ain't my fucking fault, they don't even try to ask me what's wrong, or how i feel about it, or ask me WHY i do the shit i do. for once, if one of them asked me WHY i'm doing the bad shit i do, i'd go full blast on 'em. cuhz i have some goddamn legit reasons, i ain't a stereotypical rebel teenager going through the phase of thinking my parents don't understand me, that's some whiteass bullshit. it's deeper than that. but do they try to see it from my point of view? no, to them i'm a troublemaking teenager who listens to no one and does what the fuck i want. and sure, it'd be nice to go wherever i want and do whatever i feel like doing, but honestly, i wish i could be a real part of this family, rather than an outcast who only lives in the same house.
they think i'm uncontrollable, and i didn't accept that reputation at first, but hey, if that's what they have set on their minds about this rebel teenager, i might as well show 'em what the definition of uncontrollable means. |
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| This Part of My Life is Called: Being Myself |
[Feb. 24th, 2007|11:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | JJ Lin - Down | ] |
someone keeps nagging me to write, every damn single night. geez, i don't find my entries that much interesting but k, this will be dedicated to her. so in the last entry that i just deleted, i learned to let go of something that i thought someone else deserved more than i did. if you know for sure that there is someone else out there who wants what you have more than you will ever want it, you should learn to let go yaknow? cuhz whatever live or inanimate object it is, it probably will be happier with the one that appreciates it more. and tonight, i feel like such a kid, immature and unreasonable. and i shouldn't be at this point in my life, not because i'm 17, but because i'd be hurting myself by being immature, to get mad when i don't get what i want and be sad when i don't receive enough attention. it's stupid, and i should stop. and this might sound random, but me and friend are talking about it at the moment. and that's right, to have a relationship work out, it has to be mutual, both should try to make it work, it shouldn't depend on one person to make the changes while the other make none. and i should be wanted for the person that i am and the things that i do as mister Long Kieu would do. a one-sided relationship would never work, even if it seems alright for a while, i know that i wouldn't be able to stay that way forever, and one day i'd go back to doing what i always do and we'd be in the same situation again. |
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| This Part of My Life is Called: Wherever Life Will Take Me |
[Feb. 13th, 2007|12:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Take Me to Your Heart - Unknown | ] |
i've managed to realize something new today. people seem to live their lives always waiting, waiting on something or someone. they wait for their parents to wake up in the morning to drop them off at school, then wait for class to start, then wait for school to end, then wait for their parents to pick them up at the end of the day. what's the point? as students we wait for each day to end to wait for the next day to come, we wait for high school to be over, and then we go to college waiting for four years to get our degrees. and ultimately, in the end, we wait for our own bodies to wither and die. i admit that's how i lived my life in the past, always waiting for the next day, or the next week, month, or year. but i changed that part of me awhile back, and i began taking the initiative to make things happen rather than wait on them. but now, i'm honestly tired, tired of waiting, and tired of taking the initiative. i'd like to just leave things as they are.
and so in this river that we call life, i'll be asleep in my boat, with Beautiful Day on repeat, and i won't be waiting to be rescued nor will i get up to look for help. wherever this river takes me, i wouldn't know, but neither will i think about it nor care, cuhz i'll be asleep with my music on max volume. |
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| This Part of My Life is Called: Fighting a Fire w/Out Water |
[Feb. 12th, 2007|10:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | DJ Melodie - Beautiful Day | ] |
sometimes we know for a fact that we are doing what should be done, and yet, we often question ourselves if there would be any harm in doing the opposite, because the opposite of what should be done is always something we shouldn't do. and so we are in need of reassurance, and this is the point in life where i am grateful for friends. no matter what, friends will always be here to tell us if we're doing something wrong, and i am proud of myself for fighting this fire with an extinguisher rather than water. water can be found anywhere, but you'd never know if it was a chemical fire, in which case, water would only feed its flames. and so my friends are proud of me, proud that i'm choosing to stick to what i'm doing, and that i have no need to find someone else to lean on. and for my lovely therapist, well, she's doing her job. |
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| This Part of My Life is Called: but Forever Doesn't Mean Forever |
[Feb. 10th, 2007|11:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Rihanna ft. Royalty - Unfaithful Remix | ] |
so i just received very surprising news. it came like a lightning bolt that hit a bird, and this bird fell from 300 feet, smashed its head against the ground with every bone in the body broken, ran over by a 5-ton truck, and left on the streets to rot for all eternity. the human heart is the center of the body and is responsible for the feeling of all emotions, however, it can only endure so much, it was never built to withstand pain of this magnitude. and it seems i've withstood more than the average human heart can handle, and then some more, and i don't think it can handle anymore abuse. and this ring has been cutting off my circulation for way too long, blood has ceased to flow on the finger wearing it, and i should have never put it on in the first place. so it has been completely incinerated and its ashes will be spread over the place where everything began and where my life took a turn towards what i thought was for the better, but at this point, it seems i've taken the wrong fork in the road. forever doesn't mean forever, it merely implies "until..."
and so, the promise, along with everything else, will have been returned to where love was given life, at the japanese friendship garden, and i vow to never return there until the day i dig my own grave and bury my own body underneath its bed of decaying foliage. |
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| This Part of My Life is Called: A Promise Ring Means Forever, Right? |
[Feb. 10th, 2007|07:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Karma K - Forever You and I | ] |
hello, strange mood i'm in. i was thinking about someone, and they were not happy thoughts. but then i started thinking about the past, and something i once said. i once said that we're always paying attention to the small details that make us hate the other person, and we forget to think about the things that make us happy. and we forget to think about the happy moments in the past. and my happiest moments in life, were during a certain 4 days in summer, the days in which i drove home from work to find myself the happiest person in the world each time i walked into my room. and jaydee is attacking her brush at the same time that i am typing this. it seems she finds interest in the spikes. and so, i am in an optimistic mood, because i'm thinking of the happy memories that we've had. and as distant as we may be now, i'm grateful that we're still here. you never know, one day someone in your life just might disappear, and you'll regret for the rest of your life that you've never had time to appreciate them for just being alive. now jaydee is rolling around on my pile of clothes. lol, i think i'm starting to love her, even though it's impossible to put my pants on every morning with her biting them. oh did i forget to mention that the song i'm listening to kinda sparked my mood? title is forever you and i, and forever means forever, right? |
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| This Part of My Life is Called: A Break From Reality |
[Feb. 10th, 2007|02:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Omarion - Icebox | ] |
so i'm in the middle of cleaning my room, but i'm taking a break. and i found it strange who i was thinking about while i was cleaning. i usually bump up the music when i clean, and i had icebox on repeat. but even though i was thinking about her, it felt relaxing instead of the feeling of discontent that i usually get when i think about her. and i thought about taking a break, not from cleaning, but from reality. don't you ever have times where you just wanna escape reality, just for one day, where you can act as though nothing has happened, and things were the same as they were; when everything was perfect and you were happy. but this one-day escape from reality that i want, it can't be done alone, rather, it must be wanted and agreed by two people. and if agreed, we can create ourselves a sanctuary in which time stands still, and we both would be free to do as we please without consequence. but it would be a sin, because it's difficult to take a break from reality, do as you please, and then return to reality as though nothing has happened, and to act as though nothing has happened, that's questionable. but i'd still want that 24-hour break anyhow, regardless if it poses a threat to whether i can continue with my life or not. so do i really want it? yeh. will it ever happen? i doubt it. |
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| This Part of My Life is Called: A Broken Lightbulb |
[Feb. 7th, 2007|12:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
once again, i've set myself up for another disappointment, but this time it was one that i was expecting. then why did i go along with it anyway? cuhz i had a ray of hope that somehow, some way, the result might turn out different from what i had expected. and that would have been miraculous. but miracles don't happen, they are nothing but a desperate creation to give hope to the hopeless. it seems that i've fallen from cloud nine and landed on square one, again. i am appalled by thomas jefferson and the hundreds of experimentation he went through in order to perfect the lightbulb. my admiration is not for the success of his lightbulb, and how he was able to create such a useful thing. but for the hundreds of times that he failed. how was he able to experience all that disappointment and still be able to continue? i wish life was like a lightbulb, so if the source failed to create brightness, we'd always have the option to find another source. in actuality, we could, and some people achieve that more easily than others. and i am one of the others. |
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| This Part of My Life is Called: Setting Myself Up |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|03:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Korean: Drama Ballad | ] |
have you ever set yourself up for your own disappointment, or had expectations for something to happen that you know you shouldn't expect, and then end up getting hurt because it didn't happen? like when you're mad at someone, and then you go to the movies with a bunch of friends including the person you're mad at, and you expect that person to sit next to you to talk it out, but once you get in there, they find someone else to sit with. then you wonder if the other person even cares that you're mad, and as pissed off as you are that that person didn't attempt to sit next to you to talk about it, you give that person one last chance, so after the movie finishes, you ask that person why he/she didn't sit next to you to talk it out. and the person answers 'because we're not supposed to talk during a movie'. you get pissed off at the stupid answer, but should you be? i mean, really, it would be rude to talk during a movie. but WHO GIVES A SHIT, if you were that person you wouldn't sit in the same room for 2 hours wondering why your friend is mad, you'd go talk to that person as soon as you see him/her. but it could be that your friend is more polite than you are, can you blame him/her that he/she doesn't want to disrupt other people watching the movie? good job, you sat there for 2 hours pissed off at why your friend didn't sit next to you, thinking they don't even care, and in the end find out that he/she just didn't wanna be rude to other people. you're really mad inside still, because if you were your friend, you wouldn't give a damn about other people and wait another 2 hours to find out why. but can you really be mad at your friend just because he/she didn't do what you would have done in that situation? it's your fault, you set yourself up for your own disappointment. |
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